my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do