No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
absolute chaos
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”