take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
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when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle