FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I hope this email finds you in a well
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts