I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.