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[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
True.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”