Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.