You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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I have questions??
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
reminder
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs