I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Feel. He’s so soft.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
What my back needs
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?