There鈥檚 so much going on 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Spring cleaning checklist…
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that鈥檚 not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here鈥檚 four pounds.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Don’t forget to tip your server
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!