Air conditioning – not a fan
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Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen