They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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Yup
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
road rage
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”