putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them