My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant