Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I’m confused about plants
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”