Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts