Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
☺️
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Not helping
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.