Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you鈥檙e tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it鈥檚 the best night you鈥檝e had in 8 years.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
imagine you鈥檙e on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you