My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Me, flirting😏
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray