I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.