me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.