I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
How to woo a woman
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.