[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”