PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot