Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Y’all ready for this
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.