Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…