How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno