Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.