*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*