CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?