*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
#Caturday
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Lol.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”