Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.