My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then