Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
You Might Also Like
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.