Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
the noise i just made
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.