as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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Not recommended for beginners.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
The struggle is real.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds