Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️