My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Not even remotely sorry.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”