omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
No laws when master is gone
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
sleeping beauty
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand