New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
These aliens are taking forever.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.