You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy