I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
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I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
She was rare, like a goth jogging
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.