Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
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I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“TGIM!” – My liver
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.