If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I am a gravy boat captain
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best