You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown