I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
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[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO