How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back