*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
the red hot silly peppers
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “