If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
You Might Also Like
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
It’s an epidemic…
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
sleeping beauty
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?