Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
You Might Also Like
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out